“Be strong … I love you”

Editor's note: The post was written Nov. 26, but was too hard for me to post right away. Please be aware I wrote my true, raw emotions and it may be difficult to read.

“Be strong … I love you.” Those are the last words my husband said before he boarded the bus last night

Saturday night I did not sleep very much. I tossed and turned, fought with the puppy for space and covers and tried not to think about what the next 24 hours had in store for my little family.

I awoke at 6 a.m. crying, I guess even in my sleep I was dreading saying goodbye. I buried my head in the pillows and tried not to disturb my husband, but a few minutes later he pulled me close and I realized he hadn’t slept either.

We got up a short time later and went to the living room. For the most part I recall walking about like a zombie, refusing to admit it was time. I made some coffee and we sat on the sofa watching TV for a while, though again I don’t remember what was on. At 9 a.m. he got up to pack his final bags (carry-on) and I headed for the shower so I didn’t have to see it. I blundered around the house, doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen while he poked around for last minute stuff.

He fielded phone calls all morning and again as we headed to lunch at the Huddle House (a knockoff version of Waffle House for those who live in the south.) After burgers and talking about everything but what was happening, we headed to the Post Exchange to find calling cards. I didn’t even notice the Christmas decorations and merchandise, which is unusual for me. I chatted with another spouse whose husband was leave later in the week, but I admit I wasn’t very social and just wanted to get out of there.

We headed back to the house where he loaded his bags in the car, again fielding phone calls, while I watched TV with the puppy. Sgt. Major knew something was going on and kept begging George for attention, which only made it worse.

The time went by fast, which we expected but you still try to drag it out. At 3:30 p.m. he put on his uniform and came into the living room to gather his bags. It was hard to see, I had cried periodically thought the day, but I lost all composure when I saw him lacing up his boots. He tried to comfort me, but it only made things worse. Later when he sat down with the puppy one last time, telling him to “Take care of Mommy,” I lost it again.

Going to the unit was really hard. You know that you are on borrowed time, but it also makes it easier because there are other spouses there to talk to. With some you talk about the deployment, with others everything but. Since this was not my first time, I brought magazines to keep my mind off of it. There are some things they do, like signing for weapons, where the families cannot go, so you wait for them, usually in their office or common area. I shared my Southern Lady and Tea Time magazines with other spouses, which many were grateful for. I didn’t get some back and my collection will have holes, so I’ll have to look for back issues, but it’s a small price to pay for helping another spouse.

I spend most of my time with my husband or joking with his Soldiers. We ordered pizza and the guys joked around for a while. When they started loading bags and gathering their things, I knew the time had come. I bundled up to protect myself again the uncommon 40 degree weather as my husband gathered his bag. We headed to the formation area for a final head count and I grew more anxious. After checking in, we had an hour to say our final goodbyes … I hate that they call it that, “final goodbyes.” It’s so ominous.

We stood there, braving the cold, clinging to each other as I cried and he tried to be strong. It was heartbreaking. I couldn’t stop crying, yet I was tired of the tears. Then, the call came for them to load the buses. I wish I could describe the feeling of watching them walk away. As the Soldiers gathered in formation for a final role call, the families raced to the buses in hopes of catching one more glimpse of their Soldier. I watched anxiously for him to arrive, my heart sinking with the thought that I had missed as I counted one, two, three, four, of his Soldiers climb onto the first bus. Just as I started to panic, I heard two spouses call my name and turned in time to see George get out of line of the second bus for one final kiss. “Be strong … I love you” he said as he held me one last time before boarding the bus and the tears started again.

We stood there for nearly 45 minutes staring at the Soldiers sitting on the bus, unable to go near them. It was the longest 45 minutes that I can remember. Then slowly, one by one, they started to pull away. We watched as they drove out of sight, then began the slow trek back to our vehicles. The tears continued to fall as I drove home, greeted the puppy and wrote sent off a quick email to KG, my battle buddie whos husband left a little over a month ago.

"He's gone. The buses left about 30 minutes ago and I can't stop crying. I now that it gets better, it just seems so far away at this point. It's so hard. I don't want to do this again. I'm tired of always saying goodbye. I don't want to be strong, I just want my husband home. I don't want to go to bed because I will be all alone. I will wake up and be alone, go to work, come home and be alone. Why does it have to be so hard to love someone sometimes. His stuff is everywhere, shoes on the floor, clothes on the bed. He even left stuff on the kitchen counter. I don't want to see it, but I can't put it away. The puppy in in my lap, I don;t want to do anything for now, maybe I'll sit here and watch TV until we both fall asleep. I'm sure I'll be better, more in control by the time you read this in the morning, but it seems so far away. I'm just going to get up when I get up and head into work. I'll call you then."

Then I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep.

Until our next cup of tea …

My heart is aching ...

George left last night. When I can see through the tears, I'll write. Until then pray for a Soldier...

The maid is off ...

Editor's note: This post was written on Nov. 21, but was held for holiday posts.

There are things that they never tell you about in the military life. During the first deployment I thought I was just a horrible wife, now as the second looms I realize that it’s going to happen every time … It’s just God’s way of giving you something to do to keep you busy those first few days. What am I talking about? Trying to keep your house clean!

Even without children the reality of it is that during those days/weeks that you’re Soldier is packing you’re house is going to look like it was placed in a now globe and shaken within an inch of your sanity.

First it starts with turning in all of the old gear. If paint spatters are art, then my house is a master piece. When my husband gets a “system” into his heard, there is no disputing the fact that there are better ways. I just stand back, pray no one gets injured and watch the stuff start flying.

As a highly organized person I have color coded plastic tubs in the garage, neatly stacked … or at least they were at one time. His Army stuff was in two colors … Blue for the stuff he owned and green for the stuff he must return. {Sigh} The ingenious nature of it all has been shot to hell. First when he comes in from training all of the gear is thrown haphazardly on the garage floor (Because the one time he dropped it on my living room floor the puppy “christened” it! Thank you little man!) There he leaves it until he needs something, which is always at the bottom of the third bag he empties!

So time to turn in old gear for re-issue. Instead of picking something off the ground, checking to see if it is on the list and either placing it in the bin if not needed or in a duffel bag is needed (my way), he decided to empty EVERY bin looking item No. 1. Then does it again for item No. 2. Again for item No. 3 … and you get where I’m going. The motorcycle and stored suitcases are not hidden somewhere under a sea of green (or that new ACU pattern.)

Alas, the list is done, after a bit of prodding the remaining items are “gently” shoved in a bin or corner. Then the new stuff comes in. But wait, why put it way? It have to be packed for deployment in a mere six to ten weeks! So there it sits until time to pack for deployment.

But that’s not all … everything on the deployment packing list is now dragged into the living room to include equipment, uniforms, socks, etc. Once all accounted for (this year was a short 3-day period!) he packs it all in the bags to see how much extra room he has for DVDs, books, and other entertainment needs. Then it is all unpacked so that he can wash all of the clothing to ensure that he has clean clothes once he arrives at an interim destination (they usually hang out in Kuwait for a few weeks of transition, planning and cultural training.

So my beautiful Victorian inspire home is now decorated with the ACU-patterned items and a few BDU-patterned items for a contrasting element. (Now you know one of the reasons that the tea cups had to be put up!)

{Sigh} It’s not all that bad. There is not need to pull out extra blankets when you get cold, I just used a pile of his clothing; there are more laundry baskets, now that he is not actually using any and I have an excuse to eat in the living room without feeling guilty that I am breaking some sort of “ladylike behavior” code.

All in all it has been a good thing. It has given me a chance to learn more about my husband … I’ve learned that he DOES know how to do laundry, CAN pack in an organized manner, and is ABLE to follow directions written down for him.

Now, I must go and find the dog, I haven’t seen in a day or so (just kidding!)

Until our next cup of tea …

Too much turkey ... not enough nap time

I hope everyone’s Thanksgiving was good. Ours was bittersweet as my husband prepares for a pending deployment, but for a day I was able to put my stress aside and concentrate on the fact that I would be cooking my first Thanksgiving.

As I said previously, we were having lunch at the DFAC (dining facility) so I would only have to worry about breakfast and dinner.

Sgt. Major (our 67-pound bulldog for new readers) woke me up at 6:30 a.m. wanting attention. I convinced him to snuggle with me for another half hour as I prepared myself to face the cold weather that had made an appearance the night before.



My FIL and I had a cup of hot tea as we waited for my husband to wake up, then another as we waited for the blueberry muffins to bake. I must interject here and say I LOVE fresh baked muffins. There is something so comforting as the smell of warm breads wafting through the kitchen and slowly moving to the rest of the house.

After breakfast, I baked a pumpkin pie, exchanging the fading smells of fresh bread with a growing scent of pumpkin and cinnamon. After a quick shower, I quickly got dressed for lunch at the DFAC.

(Now, I must interject again and say, my FIL has asked repeatedly why I did not bring a camera, but I regret to say I forgot.)

The DFAC itself was great. There were colored turkey decorations from the local schools and a Pilgrim-dressed greeter at the door. The list of food was amazing and certainly I don’t have enough room to list here. I will say that one of my favorite parts of holiday meals at the DFACs is that officers who have stayed in the area serve the meals in dress blues or class A uniforms. There was so much to choose from but I had: Steamship Round (roast), Baked Ham with Pineapple and Cloves, Mashed Potatoes, Macaroni and Cheese, German Style Tomato Salad, Corn on the Cob, Honey Butter Rolls and Chocolate Chip Cookies. It was a daunting menu, but I must say that it was good to the last bite.

Another thing about eating at the DFAC is that you see so many people. I chatted with a few friends and colleagues after finishing dinner, stopping for a cup of steaming Cinnamon Vanilla Nut Cappuccino before heading back out into the cold weather. It was sooo good!!!

After a short exploration of the installation, we head back to the house to put the Tur-Duc-Hen in the oven (that’s a hen stuffed in a duck, stuffed in a turkey- Yummy!). I also whip up the pecan pie and get that baking as the guys sit down to watch Bruce Willis in “Live Free or Die Hard”.

After the movie the guys settled in to see the remainder of the Dallas Cowboys game, I started on the side dishes for dinner. First the mashed sweet potatoes then the green bean casserole, something I’ve never had before but my husband requested as a favorite dish.



After stuffing ourself with dinner we helped ourselves to more pies then eventually fell into bed stuffed like a turkey. All in all, most of the dished I made were my own variations and I'm glad they turned out good. There were not disasters, but I am going to work on a few recipes to better them.



Until our next cup of tea ...

Mmmm ... Ham ... Green Beans ... Pie!

That’s what I kept saying all through lunch today, making my husband laugh. As the nearly 3,500 in my husband’s unit prepared to deploy, many Soldiers and their families put aside their thought of pending farewells and took the time today to dine together at the Patriot Inn, the brigade’s dining facility or DFAC.

The line was longer than usual but the weather was cool and chatter was abundant as family members greeted each other and shared storied while waiting.

As the line slowly inched forward, I was greeted with all the traditional smells of a holiday feast. I excitedly watched as my plate was piled with ham, pot roast, green beans, mashed potatoes and other goodies. Then I moved forward to the dessert station. There as every type of traditional pie and cake and some that I would vote to become a tradition. I chose a yellow cake with creamy vanilla pudding filling and chocolate icing.

We worked our way through the crowd around the dessert station and found an empty table, greeting friends along the way.

The meal was delicious and a great opportunity to spend time with my husband. We talked a little about the deployment and after a few spouses greeted me, my husband commented that many of them looked to me for support because there are few who are staying here at the installation that were here for the previous deployment.

I smiled when the chaplain stopped by and asked if I was staying. I assured him that I was and that if his wife needed anything she should call. I don’t see myself having a major role, not like last time anyway, but I am available to help when needed. I faced some harsh realities after last year’s deployment and plan on keeping a low profile, but I am excited about the chance to work with some of the other volunteers in helping the families, because it will definitely keep my mind off of the separation.

When George's dad visit for Thanksgiving we will eat lunch at my DFAC and I am excited (there are two DFACs, one for George's Brigade and one that is for my Brigade. There are A LOT of Soldeirs to feed!)

On another note, I stopped by the commissary on the way home from work to pick up a few items. Seriously, it was only about 7 items, but it took nearly an hour. I had forgotten how crazy it gets this time of year. After checking out, I check to make sure all of my limbs were still attached and headed home. Whew! Glad I've got everything I need.

Lastly, I received an email from one of my mentors in the military world. His son is currently deployed to Iraq and had a small request:

"I have plenty more Thanksgivings in my future so missing one because I
am over here serving my country doesn't bother me a bit. I ask one simple thing from all of you though on Thanksgiving day, when the food is served and you start to feel as though you can't possible eat anymore, go back for another plate for me!" -- R

Take a moment this week to remember those who are seperated from their Families this holiday season, say a prayer for them or keep them in your thoughts. However you chose to celebrate the season, remember their sacrifices give you that freedom.

Until our next cup of tea …

Honoring their sacrifice ...

To the 3,500 infantry soldiers bound for Iraq from Fort Polk and to all the brave men and women who don a military uniform and fight for freedom all over the world in the name of the United States:

"As Maj. Gen. Michael Oates said during a 4th Brigade, 10th Mountain Division deployment ceremony at Fort Polk on Nov. 10, "In a country of 300 million, less than one-half of 1 percent are willing to put on the uniform in service of our country. I think it's fitting that they hold this ceremony at a place called Honor Field."

Come out again another day ...

Today was a sad day ... I packed up my tea cups. It's only temporary, but it was sad just the same.

I love to look at them, remember the stories of where we were and the people we were with when I got them. But as anyone who has every lived in military housing can attest to, the residences are not grand mansions and we've just run out of room to display them.



Some of the tea cups and saucers were displayed on the kitchen counter, others on shelves and such. Most of the miniature sets were boxed up, but as you can see, they would all crack at the slightest bump. The ones on display were constantly being moved, stuff was tossed on the counter around them. Finally, I decided that if I couldn't display them in a safer manner, then maybe I should package them up until I could.



Whenever we move I get those cardboard boxes with the dividers. So when I saw the plastic Christmas ornaments boxes at the Post Exchange, I thought they would be perfect for packaging my collection and reuseable.

So one by one I washed and packed the cups and saucers. It worked out perfectly. I don;t think I'm the first to think of this, but wish it was easier to find them "out of season." I chose a design that had adjustable dividers. They are stackable and you can snap as many as you'd like together, althought I think I'll only do two are three attached to keep it from getting to heavy. Well, I'm off to spend some time with George.

Until our next cup of tea ...

Look to the future to get through the present

Well this week seems to have flow by without much effort from me! I am feeling the effect of the stress though. I’m sure most military spouses who have faced a deployment will agree that the hardest day is when you have to tell your loved on goodbye. The fear, uncertainty and loneliness are the ticket to a club that many are not anxious to be a part of. But for me, the second hardest day for me is the day my husband packs his bags. There is just something so ominous about watching him stuff his belongings into those large green bags. And in many cases, it takes a few days to finish.

The reality of it hits as I sit there watching his go over the packing list and account for all of his belongings. I feel like I’m in a daze. He talks to me, explaining some new item or retelling a story that he is reminded of by some object. I smile, make comments, but I’m not really there. I try to watch TV, but the sound and picture don’t really register. I try to get some homework done, but the words on the page seem to swim before my eyes and I can’t type a coherent sentence. On Tuesday, most of the units on post were on holiday for Veteran’s Day, but I came into work for a few hours just to escape it all. I was so thankful when I had to return to work on Wednesday, even though it meant I didn’t get to spend time with George. I just needed a break from thinking about what has become a looming shadow. I can’t even think about celebrating for the holidays.

This is about the only time we argue, the stress finally getting the best of us. I remember that I got mad at him Tuesday night because he spilled some pumpkin pie when trying to hand it to me to bake. When I think about it now, it seems so insignificant.

It helps to have friends who understand – both spouses who have been there and Soldiers who have been on the other side. It helps to know I am not crazy and that they or their spouses react in some of the same ways.

George jokes that I have the easy job, just staying here and waiting, but is it really easier? I know that he understands how hard it is and he is trying to make me feel better. I think it’s hard on all families, especially for people like me who hate not being in control of a situation. Anyone who knows me jokes about my OCD behaviors, but they only get worse in situations like this. Boy, my house will be so clean over the next year or so!

It helps to have a support group, filled with friends and family. Having something to do also helps to make the time pass faster. The installation here makes it easier to do that by offering classes, programs and activity groups where you can learn new things and meet new people. Finishing my masters and working at the MP unit with the families also helps me keep from counting the hours/minutes/seconds he’s been gone.

All in all this is just the beginning of another chapter in our life. We both look to the future when we’ll be together again, talk about starting a family of our own and dream of things we’ll get to do together once he’s home. It makes it easier to look to the future than to be saddened by the present or past, and that the thought I have to hold on to if I’m going to make it through another goodbye …

Until our next cup of tea …

It was an honor just to be nominated ...

Yeah! I got my first blog award! My blog friend Meari the "You Make Me Smile Award." Now where is that speech I'd prepared ... just joking! Who knew that a small town Texas girl chronicling the trials and triumphs of military life would be honored.

I've got to say that Meari started out as a stitching friend, but funny how after months of reading each others blog and occassionally chatting via email you can learn so much more about a person. She is such a sweet, adorable person who finds joy in the little things and inspires others to look at life with a smile and a laugh.

Now, I in turn get to award people in the blogging world so let's take a minute to list others, who along with Meari have inspired me in my blogging adventures.

I have to say it's all Tommy Gunn's fault! Yep! Former co-worker and one of my dearest friends here at Fort Swampy introduced me to the world of blogging. They say a friend will bail you out of jail, but a good friend would be sitting there with you. That's TG! He's unique take on life always keeps me laughing.

In the military world, I have found a dear friend, ABW or Army Blogger Wife. We talk about anything and nothing. It's nice to have someone who understands, even if you talk about everything else.

Then there are those special people like, Lime, Darla, Mari-Nanci, and Alice who always seem to have the right words of encouragement when I need it.

I wish I could list all of my readers. Just knowing you are supportive of those who serve make you special. Thanks to all of you. You are truly a gift.

Until our next cup of tea ...

The Power of Patriotism: Thanking those who Serve

Veteran's Day: A time to reflect on the sacrifices made by everyday people rising to a challenge. Moments in America's history where ordinary people banded together to accomplish extraordinary things. In today's Global War on Terrorism, our veteran's are coming home at the young age of 18, 19 and 20 years old ... a far cry from the image of elderly men and women we picture when we think of past wars. Even then, their war heroes were young, but have grown old with time, the wars they served in a distant memory recorded in books.

Friday, I saw the faces of today's hereoes, nearly 3,500 of them as my husband's unit gathered at the unit's deployment ceremony. It's daunting to think that these brave men and women will spend 15 months ... two Thanksgivings, Christmases, and countless birthdays and anniversaries away from their Families. I was thankful to have my "battle buddy" KG attend with me. Here husband left a month ago and together we'll get through it.

It was a proud moment for many of us, to hear publicly the praise for the work that our Soldiers had done and the great things they will do in the future.

In my work at the newspaper and now working with the MP unit Families I attend many ceremonies but I love them. It's a chance to honor the Soldiers for their achievements ... changes of command to deployment ceremonies to welcome homes. The discipline and unifirmity the Soldiers display are a are wonderous sight.

This past weekend, we had friends from home visit, but yesterday they had to return because they both had to work today. I don't understand how Veteran's Day is not considered a holiday for some. It is a day to honor those who serve, yet not important enough to close a business for a day.

As for me ... my religion is patriotism and my church is everywhere. My faith is in America. Thank you to all who have served, all who are serving and all who will answer the call.

Until our next cup of tea ...

Cup of tea ... a tiny one any way

Remember a few posts back when I said I picked up another tea cup? Well, I finally got around to taking a picture of it this weekend and a few more days to actually post it. I said it was a miniature tea cup, but to show just how tiny it is, here is a picture of it next to the tea cup I got in Mexico in December.



I noticed when looking at the Mexican tea cups that unlike most the design is not centered with the handle on the left, they are centered in the middle of the cup. I don't know if they are all like that or just the ones local to the Cancun/Playa del Carmen area.

Friendship

True, non-judgemental, there with out question friendship is hard to find ... a lesson I've learned the hard way in recent months. But if you've the blessing of finding it, treasure it, because it is a priceless gift. Check out what my girl Lime has to say about friendship and life in general. She always leaves me pondering ...

Until our next cup of tea ...

What a "handsome devil"

I couldn't believe that Sgt. Major's devil costume from 2004 still fit. He had a little bit more bum hanging out, but it worked! He loved seeing all the kids.

A small measure of thanks

Editor's note: I got this in an email from the unit commander's wife. It's one of those that are making the rounds on email, but it really was beautiful and I wanted to share it with my milspouse readers who might need a pick me up. Stay strong, my dear friends. Our sacrifices mean more to this nation that we may witness, but always be proud of the gift you have ... the gift of knowing that each moment is precious and should not be taken for granted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Military Wife,

I am an American woman that has no idea what is going on in the military other than what I hear on the news.

I have never had to let go of someone so that they could go fight for people that they didn't know, people that sometimes do not appreciate or understand what they are fighting for.

I have never had a sleepless night of worry because of a report that another bomb has exploded and I still haven't heard from my husband.

I have never had to wait for months on end to hold the one that I loved so.

I have never had to tell my children that daddy wasn't coming home tonight because he was so far away fighting for something that they aren't yet old enough to understand.

I have never had to hold my head high and suppress the tears as I hear that it will be at least another six months of separation before my loved one gets to come home.

I have never had to deal with a holiday away from the one that I thought I would share every day of my life with.

And I have never had to feel the panic rising in my heart at the sound of a ringing phone or knock at the door for fear that it is the news that everyone is terrified of getting.

For the reasons listed above, I can not tell you that I understand how you feel.

I can not tell you that you must be strong.

I can not say that you shouldn't be angry, because you "knew what you were getting into when you married a military man".
I can not say these things because I have never had to walk in your shoes.

What I can say for certain is that because of your unselfish acts of bravery and your husbands willingness to stand up for those who see him as "just another soldier" - -

I will never have to walk in your shoes.

I do understand that as a military wife you are expected to uphold a certain amount of control, but I never understood how you could do it, until now.

I have figured out that you are not like other women.

You are of a special breed.

You have a strength within you that holds life together in the darkest of hours, a strength of which I will never possess.

The faith you have is what makes you stand out in a crowd; it makes you glow with emotion and swell with pride at the mention of The United States of America.

You are a special lady, a wonderful partner and a glorious American.

I have more respect for your husband than I could ever tell you, but until recently I never thought much about those that the soldier leaves at home during deployment.

Until this moment I could never put into words exactly what
America meant to me.

Until this moment, I had no real reason to.... Until I heard of you.

Your husband and his military family hold this nation close, safe from those who wish to hurt us...but you and those like you are the backbone of the American family.

You keep the wheels in motion and the hearts alive while most would just break completely down.

Military families make this nation what it is today.

You give us all hope and you emit a warming light at the end of a long dark tunnel.

Because of you and your family...I am able to be me.

I am able to have my family.

I am able to walk free in this great land.

Because of you and your family, I can look ahead to the future with the knowledge that life is going to be okay.

Because of you and your family, I can awake to a new day, everyday.

I realize that you are a stronger person than I will ever be because of these things and I just wanted to take the time today to say thank you to you and your family for allowing me that freedom.

I will never be able to repay this debt to you, as it is unmatchable.

However, I hope that you know that no matter where you are...

what you are doing...

what has happened today...

or what will happen tomorrow...

Your husband will NEVER be "just another soldier" to me....

And you, dear sweet lady, will never be forgotten.

You are all in my prayer's everyday and I pray that God will bring you back together with your loved one safely.

May God Bless You