Facing Insecurities in the City of Vanity

(UGH! The 'before" picture. "Before" I get motivated and start working out, that is ...)

Life in Miami ... sounds like the perfect scenario doesn't it? But for someone who has struggles with self-esteem and image her whole life and now faces the challenge of losing pregnancy weight, it is not such a glamorous concept.

Girls in America are faced everyday with the message of skinny is beautiful and beauty equal success. As we grow to women, we are faced with the sad realities of that philosophy and many of us, despite all efforts continue to compare ourselves to those we come in cantact with, even those family and friends closest to us. This constant bombardment, though we may bring it on ourselves, can be savage to our self-worth.

Though I was ever aware of doing this to myself and over the years had made every effort to come to a place where I loved myself, struggling to lose the post baby weight while living in Miami has been a downward spirally journey for my self-esteem. Miami is a place where vanity runs to the extreme. In a place where the sun shines years round and sunbathing and bikinis are prevelant even in winter months, it is hard to look in the mirror, be positive and say, "I'll get there!"

There's no hiding behind bulky sweaters and attributing clothing to "the extra 10 pounds" as you catch glimpses of yourself in mirrors and windows. You are faced with the cold harsh reality that it is "all you." That stack of cookies or extra-large slice of chocolate cake come back to haunt you for day, even weeks to come. The thought of "skinny looks better than fat tastes" may work most of the time, but a moment of weakness can leave you feeling like you'll never reach your goal.

While pills and other quick-fix solutions may seem like the perfect plan, I know that healthy eating habits and exercise are the key to keeping the weigh off and reaching my goal and staying there.

Wednesday, I played the first softball game since I got pregnant. I wish I could say it was fun, but it wasn't. As I stood there at catcher all I could think was, "I don't want to do this. I'm playing in a position I hate, with a new team filled with my husband's Soldiers, of which I had not practiced with except for one day where 4 guys showed up. I was the only girl on the team, feeling humungous in my softball clothes because I had just had a baby 6-weeks earlier."

I was self-conscious every time I ran, and therefore struck out 3 times, misses 2 foul balls I would have easily caught a year ago and was tagged out at third base after I was walked. I left the field feeling like a freak and ashamed of my performance.

I know it'll take time, I just have to stick with the exercise and healthy eating, but I want results now! Today I did go to the gym for the first time and felt good after a brief run which was actually triple what I (and hubby) thought I'd be able to do. I know I just have to stay motivated. I'll get there I'm sure. I have to focus on the journey, not the destination ... Someone keep reminding me of that please!

Until our next cup of tea ...