September 27, 2006

Can't shake the feeling

Do you ever get the feeling that you are yelling at the top of your lungs and no one is listening? I have been living in an fog for the last few weeks and can't shake the feeling. I am tired all of the time. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up when this deployment is over. Sometimes I wish I could call a "time out" to catch my breathe.
The problem is that I am one of those people who can be easily pressured into doing stuff, especially if you guilt me or make me feel like I am somehow not doing my part. SO between my job (which includes after hours assignments), school (which includes HOURS of reading and report writing), Sgt. Major (who needs momma's attention in triplicate now) and volunteering I am overwhelmed. I try to slow down, I try to gracefully beg off of stuff, but no one listens. They say, "give it a few days and you'll be fine." No. I don't want a few day. I wan to sit at home and be bored. I want to walk my dog and not have people come up to me. I want to get through dinner without the phone ringing or watch TV without having to be someone shoulder, but alas I ask too much.
I thought keeping busy would make time go faster but there is such a thing as TOO busy. I often get home in time to fall into bed. This is not the way I want to live.
I broke down about two weeks ago. Packed my bags and decided to go to Houston indefinitely. A fellow spouse talked me out of it.
When do I get to fall apart. Why do I have to be the strong one. Today a fellow spouse said, "Michelle deals with it well." Truth is I don't but who can I turn too. The choice is those who don't understand what I am going through and those who do, but "have it so much worse." Just because I don't have children to explain it too does not mean I have it better.
At the beginning of the deployment a spouse asked me (no joke), did George and I freeze some of his "little guys" (my term not hers). When I was silent (because I was shocked someone could be so crass) she said, " ... because if something happens to him you have nothing."
Now everyday I think about that one thought. What if something does happen to him. I won't have a child that the two of us made together. There will be no little one to explain how their father was a hero or see glimpses of him through ... another spouse said I was lucky. Yeah ... that's what I feel -- Lucky.

2 Tea Party Guest:

Sis B said...

people can be so stupid. sometimes you have to let down that veil of strength and have an all-out pity party. you'll feel better (and probably a little silly) when it's all over and done with. it's tough being alone, when half your heart is on the other side of the planet. our situations are different (oli is just in korea and i'm preggers), but every time you write about your feelings i understand. people say idiotic, crass, bumbling things. you deserve to be weak sometimes, you deserve some privacy, and you deserve the same respect that every other military wife deserves, chidlren or no. take some time, be selfish, turn off the phone, don't answer the door, sit in your house and hold your dog and cry or watch tv or pamper yourself with a bath and pedicure or cook something you really enjoy eating or whatever it takes. you might have to plan ahead so you get your work and homework out of the way, but maybe you could take an entire sunday for yourself. you need it. you deserve it. and screw whatever dumb spouse called you lucky.

Sis B said...

ok, this has been bothering me since i read it a few days ago. i am VERY new to the military and live far from post so i have very little interaction with other milspouses. i watch and listen to my hubs, though, and veterans and others in the military. and one of the things that constantly grates on my nerves is that EVERY single soldier/marine i know has this competitive thing and an attitude of "i've got it worse than everybody else" or "i'm tougher than those other jerks". this bothers me to no end, and after reading your post i realize that it has pervaded military spouses as well. everyone has to figure out where they fit in on the scale of suffering.

and that makes me mad.

i just had to come back and say what's on my mind. it's petty and junior high and you shouldn't let it get to you. you have enough to worry about without other spouses trying to make it out like you have an easier plot than they do.

ok, i'll try to stop ranting. but just know that as i'm driving along in my car i think of you and it makes me mad that you're not getting the support you deserve.