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August 19, 2006

Tonight I wanna cry

In this deployment, some days are harder than others ... there are times when I just want hide from the world, curl up in the corner of the closet and let the tears fall.
Everyday is a new start. Every day I get up and force myself to go through the paces of daily life when all I really want to do is crawl back under the covers and sleep this horrible loneliness away.
It's amazing how the pain of not having him here seems to grow everyday. Why did we take so much for granted. Why did I not say "I love you" when I had the chance. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but they no one ever talks about the hurt, fear and heartbreak at the little things. I hate seeing other couple together walking their dog ... that's it, it doesn't bother me to see them at dinner or shopping or going to the movies.
It seems as if every day I find a new reason to worry, but I'm trying to deal with that. I find that staying informed has helped me cope as well as give me something else to keep busy.
It hurts me to hear about marriages falling apart because I would give anything to have my husband here.
The key really is to keep busy and to not take anything at face value. The families in the unit have faced ups and down, jubilation followed by disappointment through the past six months.
Sometimes I wonder if I really can do this for the rest of my life, always saying goodbye to him, but when I look at the families of Sept. 11, especially the children, I know that we face this challenge to save other families from the tragedy that we saw as a nation on that day.
I knew what I was getting into when I married George, I knew that there would be separation and loneliness. Some of us pay a higher price the America's freedom. Some pay a much heavier price than I have and for those families, I will never take what we have for granted.

Tonight I wanna cry, by Keith Urban
Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
Theres pictures of you and I on the walls around me the way that it was and should have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All by Myself" would sure hit me hard, now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

Cause I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

2 Tea Party Guest:

Me said...

I know so well how you feel and how all this feels like.
Unfortunately we did not make it....5 years of marriage and 3 years gone in deployments.
Try not to judge people who's marriages break apart.....it's is often the symptom of something that might have been wrong all along but you loved so much that you were blind to it.
I know being gone three years, as in our case, wasn't helping any.....some men do change when they come back. Some don't. Mine did and refused to get any kind of help or let me "in"...I couldn't do it. I actually miss the Army life some days. When I left him it was the hardest decision because I still loved him, but he was just not willing to work with us.
There was a lot grieving over loosing him and lover loosing the Army life, that I had gotten so attached to and loved very much.
Don't judge please. Marriages fail and it's the most painful thing, next to death, to go through. It doesn't mean people didn't try hard enough.
You two have a lot of love and respect for one another, so you will be fab!
One day at a time and the reunion will be just mind-blowing, it almost makes the deployment worthwhile..sounds horrible, but just the elation of being back together was very beautiful as I recall.
Life goes on for me and I hope to find someone to love again. Now, after the divorce, I am a tad happy that I am removed from all things military, because it is a very tough life for the ones left behind....you are fabulous and brave!

Joann said...

Hello, I share your feelings and know how hard it is. My husband just got back from his 2nd depolyment and it's still hard the pain you go through with him being gone doesn't go away when they get home. Why? Because you know that there are other wives, hubands that are still seperated and those that never made it home. Be strong, have faith in the Lord and pray! Us Military wives are special, somehow we were placed here to do this job because one knows how tough it is. I will pray for you.

Take care =)