Brick Walls and Baby Blues

UGH! I know that I said I would try to post weekly about my adventure in reaching my goal of running a half marathon, but it's been harder than I thought ... mentally. Physically, the only problem that I have is that my chest (lungs) give out way before my legs do, but then I had a hefty boy sitting on them for 5 months or so.

We went and got the jogging stroller ... and for the most part Jamie and I both love it. My issue was one that I'd been dealing with for the past 6 years of my marraige, if my husband is involved in something, he wants to be in charge. Let me first say that I absolutely love my husband's leadership qualities and confidence, those are two character treates that attracted me to him, but he doesn't know how to let go of the reins. Maybe its the Army officer in him, but he's not very good at "running WITH the pack" so to speak, he'd prefer to lead.

When we first got the stroller we went for a run/walk. Now it was two months tothe week since Jamie had been born and it was the first I'd run out in the Florida heat and only third time I'd run at all. From the start he took charge. I wanted to run/walk at my own pace, see where I was and set goals to increase daily, but by the end of the activity, I didn't want to even run the half marathon anymore. My husband tends to push like a drill sergeant and every time I stopped he would "urge" me to keep running. He'd start by asking, "How long are you going to walk? Do you think you could run more? How far do you want to go? I think you can run more." While that method works for him, I just shut down.

When I run, I use my preformance for the previous run as a guage. If I get finish and later feel like I should have pushed more, then it motivates me to beat it the next time, if I feel like I've done good, I set a new goal, mostly increase a quarter or half mile the next time. At the end of each week, my oal is to increase a mile, so I start looking for higher numbers.

His method of taking over irritated me so much, I just shut down. I literally answered, "Whatever!" like some over-indulged teen asked to pick up their own clothes. It was not fun or enjoyable at all, yet when I tried to talk to him, he just said he wouldn't participate at all.

Then I'd ask him to watch the baby after work, so I could go to the gym. As expected, I felt guilty for leaving the baby, but I knew that if I didn't take care of me, that soon it would start to take it toll. I'd come home after a half-hour or so run and find Jamie in his swing crying and poor George had no idea what to do. A few times of that and I'd be wondering if everything was o.k. as I was running and would get myself all worried.

Geo's solution was to run by myself with the baby, but the whole idea that made it appealing was that it was alone time. I mean I love the lil Monkey, but 24-hours a day with him starts to wear me down!

I guess its just a matter of finding balance and a way to keep motivated. It was easier at our last duty station, because even though I worked out alone there were other spouses who were doing the same (esp. during deployments) and it was always nice to catch up and compare notes. Geo and I have found that we are very lonely here at this duty station because of the nature of the structure here. He is essentially the only Captain, so all the officers are higher ranks which makes it hard to "relax" and socialize and its hard to hangout with the enlisted side because you are always feeling lik you have to "set the example" especially because they are all his Soldiers. Can you imagine if the only person you had to hang out with was your boss? It gets kind of weird! Its hard to have drinks with some one one day and a few days later reprimand them for something ... lines get blurred.

Well, more on military life later, bottles have to be washed, the baby is refusing to go to bed and hubby has been sick for 4 days now ... UGGHHH! Such is the glamourous life of an officer's wife!

Until our next cup of tea ...