July 3, 2008

Learning to Live with Fear

It was another long day at work as my unit prepares to deploy. I pulled onto the main road leading to the north housing area, anxious to get home. In front of me was a generic white passenger van, white with government plates. No big deal, they are almost as commons as Humvees on a military installation. I assumed they were headed for training at the Joint Readiness Training Center, since that was the only place government vehicles would be headed on this road.

I absently flipped through the radio stations and made a mental list of things to do as I drove home. Suddenly, my attitude changed.

Just as I head into the housing area I notice the government vehicle ahead of me making the same turns ahead of me. My mind raced as I quickly tried to think of other reasons for a government vehicle to be in the housing area, but only two things came to mind, a health and welfare check (senior NCOs checking on Families and their quarters) or notification of fallen Soldier.

"Oh, God, don't let it be someone I know," I pray as I slowly drove down the street.

Ahead of me the vehicle turned into my neighborhood section. I followed. Then onto my street. I held my breathe and turned in at my house," I think, my heart racing.

The vehicle slowed and I could see the driver and passenger gesture to each other as they looked at house numbers on the right side of the street. My head began to hurt as I pulled into my driveway on the left. I saw them slow as they entered the cul-de-sac and came back up the street.

I got out of my Tahoe and slowly pulled my bags out of the car, trying to imagine what I would do if they stopped in front of my house.

A few house down they turn into a driveway. I held my breathe as they got out. ACUs ... I let out my breathe. No chaplain ... I began to breathe easier. They pulled a basket out of the car with blue ribbon. I sighed and turned to walk up my driveway ... A new baby.

I entered the house, greeted by the puppy and let my bags fall to the floor and dropped to the sofa. After a few moments, I got up grabbed my phone, texted my closest friend Aris and went about preparing dinner and starting a load of laundry.

Another day without a visit ... Another day survived.

Until our next cup of tea ...

2 Tea Party Guest:

stitcherw said...

I can't imagine having to deal with that kind of fear on a recurring basis. The occational scare I get from worrying about my daughter is hard enough. Sending extra prayers for your DH and others for things to settle down and for them to come home safely. {{hugs}}

lime said...

my heart leapt with you and i held my breath. a birth not a death..a good day indeed.