Christmas OPORD

Editor's note: This is for my military readers. I know that after a life in the military, we have come to expect things in the Army format. So, here is Santa;s Operations Orders for Christmas delivery. Merry Christmas to all!


Army Christmas
By Rod Powers,

Army Christmas Operations Order 00-5689:
Subject: Christmas


1. An official visit by MG Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this headquarters 25 December (2007). The following instructions will be in effect and govern the activities of all personnel during the visit.

a. Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will include indigenous mice. Special stirring permits for necessary administrative actions will be obtained through the C1. Mice stirring permits will be processed through the C2 for proper clearances and obtained through Veterinary Services, ARCENT-KU.

b. Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200 hours, 24 December 1999. See MAJ Dickenson for pre-napping medical requirements. See MAJ Adams for napping demonstration. Uniform for the nap will be: Pajamas, cotton, light, drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose, camouflage; and Cap, camouflage w/ear flaps. Equipment should have been drawn from homestation CIF prior to deployment.

c. Personnel will utilize standard Sharq Market sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. Artificially sweetened plums are authorized for those in the unit weight control program. Specifications for this item will be provided by the servicing dining facility.

d. Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by the chimney with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards caused by carelessly hung stockings. ARCENT-KU safety officer will submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800 hours, 24 December (2007), ATTN: MAJ Salada, for approval.

e. At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all troops will spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw open the window sashes. PMO Plan (Saint Nick), Reference LO No. 3, paragraph 6c, this headquarters, 2 February 1998, will be in effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. Section OICs will familiarize all personnel with procedures and are responsible for ensuring that no shutters are
torn open nor window sashes thrown open prior to start of official clatter. See CPT Donley for hardcopy.

f. Prior to 2400, 24 December (2007), all personnel will be assigned "Wondering Eye" stations. After shutters are thrown open and sashes are torn, these stations will be manned.

g. SSG Bekono will assign one each Sleigh, miniature, M-66, and eight (8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of MG Claus' driver who, in accordance with current directives and other applicable regulations, must have a valid SF56 properly annotated by Driver Testing; be authorized rooftop parking and be able to shout "On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen, up Comet, up Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen".

2. MG Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys. All units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M-6, for use during ceremonies. Chimney simulator units will be requested through SPC Oswalt on Job Order Request Form submitted to the Furniture Warehouse prior to 19 December (2007), and issued on DA Form 3161, Request for Issue or Turn-in.

3. Personnel will be rehearsed on shouting "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night." See LTC Pride for demonstration. This shout will be given on termination of General Claus' visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of section NCOICs.

/s/
CHRISTOPHER K. RINGLE
Colonel, USA
OIC, Special Services

Distribution:
Everybody Who Still Believes