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August 17, 2007

Theraputic tears ...

I learned a lot last year when George was deployed. I learned how strong I can be when needed, I can do things I never imagined, I learned just how deep you can love someone and that missing someone can bring physical pain. But most importantly, learned that tears are not a sign of weakness.

There were times that my eyes simply teared up or I felt a lump in my throat at a song, story, even commerical. Other times my poor body was shook with uncontrolable, gut-wrenching sobs that I couldn't stop if I had wanted. Watching the evening news was unbearable, but I had to know.

Publicly, I was strong. There were so many people who depended on me - other military families, his dad and cousin, my mother and dad. They were all worried and looking to me for reassurance. But when I was alone I cried.

Oh, the therapy was amazingly soothing. Most times I cried becasue it was personal - because I was tired of sleeping alone, because my heart dropped everytime the phone rang or someone knocked on the door. I feared unfamiliar cars and men in dress uniforms. I made sure that I knew every chaplain from battalion chaplains to the installation chaplain. I wanted to be prepared. The fear of the unknown was more frightening that what he told me, but I still didn't want to know the all the details.

Other times I cried in general. For the friend whose husband came back too soon, under a flag-draped coffin, for the children whose parents missed their birthdays, the Soldiers who missed the birth of their child. I cried for the veterans who came home to protesters and jeers.

It was more comforting that any therapist or counselor. I look back now and am glad that I had to courage to cry. Sometimes in my office, other times in my vehicle or home. There was so much emotion to deal with, but I knew what I would have to face when I married my husband. We made the choice together.

Sometimes people tell me that I am so strong for what I do, that I am a hero. I don't think so, we just raised our hands when America asked for volunteers. I know this is not something just anyone can do.

When people ask me how I could be so strong, I just tell thing it's becausee of my husband. His love gives me strength. Loving him has been the hardest thing I've every done, but at the same time, the easiest. I wouldn't trade my life for anything.

6 Tea Party Guest:

ABW said...

Very well written. I understand.

lime said...

this is so meaningful. i struggle with tears too and i don't have nearly the burden you do. thank you for sharing this from your heart with us.

Tommy said...

You Rock! See ya Monday.
TG

Michelle-ozark crafter said...

What a wonderful post! Thank you for sharing this and nice to meet you!

Meari said...

What a great post, Michelle. I feel for you.

We had a local guy die in Iraq last weekend. His body came home today under skies of clouds and rain. :( He was just 23. I'm going to be stitching a memorial for his family, and working on getting NOK addresses.

smilnsigh said...

Oh Dear One, you have every right to cry when needed. No one can have to be 'the strong one' for extended family, all the time. But I know, you do what you have to do.

All I can say is I am grateful. Won't go on with that. Same old, same old. But also know that you can vent and cry anytime, to me, if that would help. I'd like to give you a hug right now... That's what I do best, so that's what I want to do.

Hugs, Mari-Nanci