Theraputic tears ...

I learned a lot last year when George was deployed. I learned how strong I can be when needed, I can do things I never imagined, I learned just how deep you can love someone and that missing someone can bring physical pain. But most importantly, learned that tears are not a sign of weakness.

There were times that my eyes simply teared up or I felt a lump in my throat at a song, story, even commerical. Other times my poor body was shook with uncontrolable, gut-wrenching sobs that I couldn't stop if I had wanted. Watching the evening news was unbearable, but I had to know.

Publicly, I was strong. There were so many people who depended on me - other military families, his dad and cousin, my mother and dad. They were all worried and looking to me for reassurance. But when I was alone I cried.

Oh, the therapy was amazingly soothing. Most times I cried becasue it was personal - because I was tired of sleeping alone, because my heart dropped everytime the phone rang or someone knocked on the door. I feared unfamiliar cars and men in dress uniforms. I made sure that I knew every chaplain from battalion chaplains to the installation chaplain. I wanted to be prepared. The fear of the unknown was more frightening that what he told me, but I still didn't want to know the all the details.

Other times I cried in general. For the friend whose husband came back too soon, under a flag-draped coffin, for the children whose parents missed their birthdays, the Soldiers who missed the birth of their child. I cried for the veterans who came home to protesters and jeers.

It was more comforting that any therapist or counselor. I look back now and am glad that I had to courage to cry. Sometimes in my office, other times in my vehicle or home. There was so much emotion to deal with, but I knew what I would have to face when I married my husband. We made the choice together.

Sometimes people tell me that I am so strong for what I do, that I am a hero. I don't think so, we just raised our hands when America asked for volunteers. I know this is not something just anyone can do.

When people ask me how I could be so strong, I just tell thing it's becausee of my husband. His love gives me strength. Loving him has been the hardest thing I've every done, but at the same time, the easiest. I wouldn't trade my life for anything.