Brick Walls and Baby Blues

UGH! I know that I said I would try to post weekly about my adventure in reaching my goal of running a half marathon, but it's been harder than I thought ... mentally. Physically, the only problem that I have is that my chest (lungs) give out way before my legs do, but then I had a hefty boy sitting on them for 5 months or so.

We went and got the jogging stroller ... and for the most part Jamie and I both love it. My issue was one that I'd been dealing with for the past 6 years of my marraige, if my husband is involved in something, he wants to be in charge. Let me first say that I absolutely love my husband's leadership qualities and confidence, those are two character treates that attracted me to him, but he doesn't know how to let go of the reins. Maybe its the Army officer in him, but he's not very good at "running WITH the pack" so to speak, he'd prefer to lead.

When we first got the stroller we went for a run/walk. Now it was two months tothe week since Jamie had been born and it was the first I'd run out in the Florida heat and only third time I'd run at all. From the start he took charge. I wanted to run/walk at my own pace, see where I was and set goals to increase daily, but by the end of the activity, I didn't want to even run the half marathon anymore. My husband tends to push like a drill sergeant and every time I stopped he would "urge" me to keep running. He'd start by asking, "How long are you going to walk? Do you think you could run more? How far do you want to go? I think you can run more." While that method works for him, I just shut down.

When I run, I use my preformance for the previous run as a guage. If I get finish and later feel like I should have pushed more, then it motivates me to beat it the next time, if I feel like I've done good, I set a new goal, mostly increase a quarter or half mile the next time. At the end of each week, my oal is to increase a mile, so I start looking for higher numbers.

His method of taking over irritated me so much, I just shut down. I literally answered, "Whatever!" like some over-indulged teen asked to pick up their own clothes. It was not fun or enjoyable at all, yet when I tried to talk to him, he just said he wouldn't participate at all.

Then I'd ask him to watch the baby after work, so I could go to the gym. As expected, I felt guilty for leaving the baby, but I knew that if I didn't take care of me, that soon it would start to take it toll. I'd come home after a half-hour or so run and find Jamie in his swing crying and poor George had no idea what to do. A few times of that and I'd be wondering if everything was o.k. as I was running and would get myself all worried.

Geo's solution was to run by myself with the baby, but the whole idea that made it appealing was that it was alone time. I mean I love the lil Monkey, but 24-hours a day with him starts to wear me down!

I guess its just a matter of finding balance and a way to keep motivated. It was easier at our last duty station, because even though I worked out alone there were other spouses who were doing the same (esp. during deployments) and it was always nice to catch up and compare notes. Geo and I have found that we are very lonely here at this duty station because of the nature of the structure here. He is essentially the only Captain, so all the officers are higher ranks which makes it hard to "relax" and socialize and its hard to hangout with the enlisted side because you are always feeling lik you have to "set the example" especially because they are all his Soldiers. Can you imagine if the only person you had to hang out with was your boss? It gets kind of weird! Its hard to have drinks with some one one day and a few days later reprimand them for something ... lines get blurred.

Well, more on military life later, bottles have to be washed, the baby is refusing to go to bed and hubby has been sick for 4 days now ... UGGHHH! Such is the glamourous life of an officer's wife!

Until our next cup of tea ...

Facing Insecurities in the City of Vanity

(UGH! The 'before" picture. "Before" I get motivated and start working out, that is ...)

Life in Miami ... sounds like the perfect scenario doesn't it? But for someone who has struggles with self-esteem and image her whole life and now faces the challenge of losing pregnancy weight, it is not such a glamorous concept.

Girls in America are faced everyday with the message of skinny is beautiful and beauty equal success. As we grow to women, we are faced with the sad realities of that philosophy and many of us, despite all efforts continue to compare ourselves to those we come in cantact with, even those family and friends closest to us. This constant bombardment, though we may bring it on ourselves, can be savage to our self-worth.

Though I was ever aware of doing this to myself and over the years had made every effort to come to a place where I loved myself, struggling to lose the post baby weight while living in Miami has been a downward spirally journey for my self-esteem. Miami is a place where vanity runs to the extreme. In a place where the sun shines years round and sunbathing and bikinis are prevelant even in winter months, it is hard to look in the mirror, be positive and say, "I'll get there!"

There's no hiding behind bulky sweaters and attributing clothing to "the extra 10 pounds" as you catch glimpses of yourself in mirrors and windows. You are faced with the cold harsh reality that it is "all you." That stack of cookies or extra-large slice of chocolate cake come back to haunt you for day, even weeks to come. The thought of "skinny looks better than fat tastes" may work most of the time, but a moment of weakness can leave you feeling like you'll never reach your goal.

While pills and other quick-fix solutions may seem like the perfect plan, I know that healthy eating habits and exercise are the key to keeping the weigh off and reaching my goal and staying there.

Wednesday, I played the first softball game since I got pregnant. I wish I could say it was fun, but it wasn't. As I stood there at catcher all I could think was, "I don't want to do this. I'm playing in a position I hate, with a new team filled with my husband's Soldiers, of which I had not practiced with except for one day where 4 guys showed up. I was the only girl on the team, feeling humungous in my softball clothes because I had just had a baby 6-weeks earlier."

I was self-conscious every time I ran, and therefore struck out 3 times, misses 2 foul balls I would have easily caught a year ago and was tagged out at third base after I was walked. I left the field feeling like a freak and ashamed of my performance.

I know it'll take time, I just have to stick with the exercise and healthy eating, but I want results now! Today I did go to the gym for the first time and felt good after a brief run which was actually triple what I (and hubby) thought I'd be able to do. I know I just have to stay motivated. I'll get there I'm sure. I have to focus on the journey, not the destination ... Someone keep reminding me of that please!

Until our next cup of tea ...

Setting New Goals, Aiming for New Distances

So the past few weeks have been a flurry of activity with the new baby, continuing to unpack the house and settling in with a new unit and new families. Now that Jamie is 6-weeks-old, and I've healed from the c-section (for the most part), its time to start getting into a routine and as part of that routine includes taking some time to take care of me or I will be no good to George, the baby or the unit's families.

Before I found out I was pregnant, I had discovered a healthier menu. I say "menu" because "diet" often suggests that once my goal of weight loss is met that it is over, but that isn't the case. In addition to the healthier food choices, I'm most excited about being able to work out again.

Before I was pregnant, I had started running as well as cardio work. Now I wasn't good by any stretch of the imagination, but I could hold my own and was continually inspired by fellow military spouse, Army Blogger Wife. I mean she manages to participate in runs and tri-athlons while juggling a very suppotive, yet busy husband, a pre-teen who thinks she's a wsie-adult, a creatively energetic and independent middle daughter and little boy who can ellicite laughter from even the grumpiest Scrooge!

So with a little prodding from my husband (o.k. a lot of prodding and guilt-trips of "I just want to spend more time with you") I agreed to set the goal of running the Miami Half-Marathon with him next January (why can't he just join me in a cooking class or something!) To make it even more enticing, he said he'd even let me enter the Disney Princess Half-Marathon in March 2010. The things I will do for a tiara!

So, tomorrow starts my workout (Doc cleared me to S-L-O-W-L-Y start working out again, but I never do anything slowly!) I am excited to see how this journey goes. I know I will be a little disappointed with my progress at first because even though my brain knows I have been preganant and thus unable to run, my competative nature says I should be where I was 9-months ago! We'll see. I'll try to post my progress often (though some will be upbeat and others may show my disappointment.)

Until our next cup of tea ...