Guilt and fear, hope and faith

There was a lot that I had prepared myself for before this deployment began. The separation, loneliness, having to do things on my own, the constant fear of my husband being in danger ... the one thing I was not prepared for was the loss of Soldiers and the feeling that would invoke.
As NATO prepares to take over areas of Afghanistan, my fears continue to grow as our Soldiers move to another area.
In recent weeks 4th Brigade Combat Team, 10th Mountain Division has lost two of Soldiers, small number compared to the 23 that have been lost to our sister unit 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 10th Mountain Division, in nearly the same amount of time.
We are lucky as a unit, I suppose, but the fear is still there.
At the memorial service I felt guilty for being happy that my husband was still alive. I prayed endlessly and still do that I never have to face what those families have, but the stark reality is that I know that even once they return home, I will never be completely at peace knowing he is safe.
We have discussed many time our plans for children (and yes for those who know me we do plan to have children just not right now.) Although I know I am still not ready for them, I am faced with the harsh reality that if something happens to him, I have nothing. Only a precious flag and photos of our life together. There will be no smiling child whose eyes or laughter remind me of my great love.
But despite my fear, I hold even tighter to the hope of his return. I dream of the day when he walks through the gymnasium door and the commander releases the Soldiers be with their families. Will I cry? You better believe it. If I have learned anything from this experience it is to cherish the moments you have, always making the best of things.
As country singer Gary Allan sings, "life ain't always beautiful, but its a beautiful ride."
I often wonder if I would see so much of the good, if it were not for the bad to remind me. Would we miss the light so much, if there were no darkness?
Life has a funny way of pushing you to your limits and showing you what you are made of. If you had asked me 10 years ago if this would be my life today, I would have thought you crazy, but now I couldn't imagine it any other way. I would take a life with 10 deployments with George than no deployments with any other person.
If something is worth having, it is working for. It's always the apples at the top of the tree that taste the best. So until we are together again, I will remember the past, dream of the future and live for today, because we really have no control over life. You get out what you put in.

Life ain't always beautiful lyrics

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggle makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time

No,life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life dont work that way

But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' its sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride

Support our troops

This is America, land of the free. You don't have to stand behind our troops ... you are more than welcome to stand in front of them!

All gave some, some gave all ...

9 a.m., 27 July 2006
Today is a hard day. Last week we lost two Soldiers in two different engagements, just a day apart from each other. I refused to deal with it at first, taking on a “just the facts” attitude when I called the 17 families in my care to tell them the news before they saw it on TV.
They knew what was going on at work because I work in the Public Affairs Office, but everyone walked around the issue unless I brought it up ... life goes on despite tragedy. That is a lesson that I am learning everyday. There is no sympathy for those whose Soldiers are deployed, no special treatment, but I don’t think I would want it, other that the occasional, “How are you doing?”
Those who live on the “outside” will never really know what is is we go through. Even our families don’t understand what a daily struggle it can be to just get out of bed sometimes. They say that it takes a strong person to do this over and over again, but sometimes I get tired of being strong. I’m tired of having to be composed all the time so the younger spouses who look at me don’t get scared. It’s a heavy burden to carry at times. When do I get to fall apart?
In less than an hour I have to walk across the street to the chapel where the memorial service will be held for these two fallen heroes. In the past two weeks, the families have come to realize the reality of war close to home. The fear of losing your Soldier has a face now as two families one here at Polk and the other in their hometown, struggle with the realization that their Soldiers will not be part of the welcome home reunions. For their Soldiers this is it. They are home now, home forever. All we can do is thank them for their sacrifice, a hollow reminder of the price of freedom.

1 p.m., 27 July 2006.
It’s taken me an hour to compose myself and get the courage to face my thoughts. The service was beautiful, but one of those beautiful things that come at a cost, the cost was two lives. The friends and families spoke so highly of them, that it made me wonder why, when them. What made God decide that they had lived their life to it’s purpose and now their time was up? Why are four children now fatherless, left only with the memories of time that was not long enough? Surely the way that these families and friends spoke of these two, the continuance of their lives could have touch so many. I guess in the end they touch more lives that they knew.
Hundreds of spouses and families of the 2nd Battalion, 4th Infantry Regiment gathered together to console each other at this time of grief. It was here that I realized how much the unit families come to mean to each other, especially in times of deployment. Our own families will never understand the choices we make or the sacrifices that we endure. Mine has continued to questioned it throughout the deployment and there are now words to describe it.
It is the feeling of pride as you see them standing in formation in their uniforms, the admiration in the eyes of your small child sleeping in their daddy’s arms clutching ribbons or medals pinned to their chest, it’s the moment you are in their arms again after a long separation, but most of all it is knowing that your sacrifices lead to a better life for others.
It’s funny who you turn to for comfort during your times of grief.
When I was in B Company there was this one spouse that we were a little like oil and water, but I think it was more of communication issues than a reaction to one another. Over the last year, we have been more civil to each other but had not really gotten to the point of being best friends. Our husbands had both been moved to different companies (the same one actually so we are together again), but I think it was our mutual investments in the company that led us to comforting each other. At one time we were both family leaders in the group and I can honestly say it was filled with drama, but as she said today, despite the blood, sweat and tears there were some laughs and they outweigh the bad. B Company will always have a place in our hearts because it was “home” for so long. We were both there from the beginning. We welcomed all of the wives as they joined the unit, one that we helped build. I think that is why today was so hard, we lost a B Company Soldier.
For me the hardest part of the ceremony was the roll call. For those who don’t know, when a Soldier dies, they call roll and of course he does not answer. they call his name three times and them say, “Remove, (name) from the roll.” It is the last act of saying that while the Soldier will forever live through us, he is no longer with us. It was hard. hard to hear the silent sobs as their names were repeated. Hard to know that they will never again answer.
Regardless of whether you had a personal connection with the Soldier or family, you will still feel the overwhelming grief and sorrow of a life taken so early.
For me, the national anthem and taps will never be hears without the remembrance the of pain and loss of those two brave men.
So on behalf of a grateful nation ... thank you.

Forever in our hearts ...

Staff Sgt. Robert Chiomento
8 February 1972 - 17 July 2006

Sgt. Robert Kassin
22 January 1977 - 16 July 2006

All gave some, some gave all ...

So it is with heavy heart and tearful eyes that I thank God for the gift of my husband's life. So many of us take life for granted, but we must always remember the price we pay to live in the land of the free.

Natural beauty captured

This is a new addition to my photography collection. Please do not copy or print. I am working on a web page so my photography will be available for purchase. I'll keep you posted ...

mi amor, mi vida (my love, my life)

I have to say the best thing my husband ever did (o.k., maybe top ten) was to talk me into getting a dog. Not just any dog. We did a lot (2 months) of research on a breed that would fit well into a dual-employed household and fell in love with English bulldogs. Next step was picking one. We had planned to go into the city (Houston) for a weekend and had set up meeting with breeders when we came upon a breeder here, near Fort Polk, that was trying to sell the last three of a litter because they were moving (Soldeir too.)
So we spent a little time with the pups knowing we wanted a male. George wanted the other boy, but I fell in love with Sgt. Major (named later by us.) He was more interested in us than the food they had just put into the kennel. Little did I know that that was the beginning of my new shadow.
I could not imagine having to go through this deployment without him. He has been my constant joy. Regardless of my mood he is always there ... usually looking for some attention or at least a treat.
He makes me laugh and gives me a reason to get up in the mornings. He doesn't jusdge when I refuse to get out of my pajamas until 4 p.m. on a Saturday and shows me the joys of the little things, like lifting a leg to the tree in the front yard even though he did it just an hour earlier with the same enthusiasm.
Most of all, he loves me regardless and is always willing to share his toys (although his treats could earn a small growl of annoyance.)
He truly has become my life as I await George's return.

Hard days, good friends

Some days are harder than others, and Saturday was really hard for me. It made me realize how much I depend on other military spouses ... but let me start from the beginning.

On Friday the command information officer (a.k.a my boss) came into my office and asked if I could cover a welcome home ceremony Saturday. I told her my father and sister were coming into town, but if I could take them then I could do it.
Moments later I began to wonder if I could do it. It would require me to watch as other families welcomed home their weary warriors amid balloons, flags, and signs expressing their joy while my husband is still gone. But it’s my job and I can’t turn down assignments because they may affect me personally.

So Saturday afternoon, after a morning of watching my father turn into a 3-year-old as he climbed all over the military vehicles at Warrior Memorial Park and 1/509th barracks area, we left for Warrior brigade Gym where the families were waiting for the unit’s arrival.

Once there, I set about photographing the kids with signs, them dancing about, and the rest of the anxious families. In the background played all the sad songs, “American Soldier,” “Come Home Soon,” etc. with a photo slide show playing on the wall, but as long as I didn’t think about it I was fine. I took a few minutes to talk to a friend, Charlotte, who works in the community and whose husband is with mine. She didn’t look too sad so I figured that it’s wouldn’t be as bad as I thought.

Then the announcement that the Soldiers had arrived led to a earth-moving cheer as the families waited for them to enter the gym. Chills went up my spine and tears welled in my eyes as I struggled to hold it together and focus my camera on the door. I did good for a few minutes, I took pictures of the first Soldiers coming through the door and the formation as the brigade commander welcomed them home. Then as I walked back to the corner, the tears began to fall and I couldn’t stop them.

I saw Charlotte out of the corner of my eye and went to her. I broke down and cried on her shoulder, sad that it wasn’t my husband and guilty that I was angry at those who were coming home .

We comforted each other for a few minutes and I was able to gain my composure. “Are you o.k. to take pictures?” she asked. “Yes,” I said, “I just didn’t know it would be this hard.”

“This will be us soon,” she replied, trying to make it sound better but I knew she wanter her husband home as much as I did. I was glad she was there, happy to know that I wasn’t alone.

I was able to make it through the rest of the short ceremony and quickly left with my father and sister in tow.

“That was so sad,” my sister said. “I almost cried.”

“I did,” I said quietly.

“Yeah, I looked over and saw Stephanie getting teary-eyed, but we lost you in the crowd,” my dad said.

“How do you do it?” Stephanie asked.

“You just have to, you can’t fight it. It’s the choice we made as military spouses,” I said. “But it does make it better when you have a friend to lean on when you lose your strength though,” I added, making a mental note to let Charlotte how much just being there helped me. We're in this together and we'll get through it because we are military wives.

Craft Corner: It's like Christmas in July

Well there is a lot to post here, so sit back and settle in ... they say a picture is worth a thousand words, so here is my book!


My secret sister (not really so secret since we do it on our own) sent me a beautiful package this month. She chose the tea theme since that is what my kitchen is in and I collect tea sets. So she sent me the Cross My Heart, Inc. Tiny Little Teapots pattern and Heirloom Hydrangeas book. I can't wait to get started on a few towels with tea pots to tide me over until I can do an afghan (first and second books). Maybe I can do some placemats, each with a differnet tea pot or a tablerunner. Oh, the possibilities are endless. The Hydrangeas will compliment my moss green livingroom perfectly, too.

The othr book, Cross My Heart, Inc. Teatime Teapots and a yard of dove grey fabric was in a recent order from Mary Jane's Cross n' Stitch online. My SS also included this beautiful Janlynn's The Tea Garden (photo to right) in the package. I am excited about trying it on colored fabric. What color do you think?

I think it is absolutely adorable. The brick wall and pink flowers with wicker furniture makes me want to curl up with a good book ... or new cross stitch project! But that's not it. She also send this beautiful teapot shaped tea bag holder with matching spoon, but I'll have to post a photo later.

Another stitcher found a book with two tea pots in a garage sale and sent it too me (that's was awefully sweet of her to think of me and it arrived when I was having a bad day –– perfect timing!) I didn't get to take a picture of it because I left my camera at work and only grabbed what was on the counter when I left this morning.

Yesterday I also got a package in the mail from Lisa (in TX) who sent me the completed project for the freebie exchange I signed up for in the Stitch 'n Swap 2 Yahoo! group.

We each picked a freebie pattern, kitted it up and sent to person No. 1. Meanwhile, person No. 2 was sending one to us, which we stitched and sent to person No. 3. Once I got past the confusion it was fun. I learned some new stuff, stitched in a fabric count that I had never done before and in the end had a a beautiful project to add to my growing collection.

I ended up stitching a Lizzie Kate pattern, How does your garden grow? (see previous post for photo) which I loved and may do for myself in the near future. All in all it was a fun experience and Lisa also included a Tx postcard and magnet with makes me feel a little closer to home. Being a military wife often leaves you homesick, but that made it a little better.

And last, but most certainly not least, I was in a Christmas in July ornament exchange in the same group and did a fun snowman for a fellow stitcher overseas, Italy, I think. I absolutely loved it and wanted her to get it before I posted it. She got, so here is a picture. I enjoyed it so much, I think I'll make a set of eight for my tree ... yeah, I know I gotta start finishing projects before starting new one! Well, I hope you all have as much fun as I do. Who knew that all it takes to entertain some adults is a piece of fabric and thread, maybe we'll work on world peace, but first there is this sale at the local needwork shop and oh, i heard there had some new patterns at that one website ...

Homefront guardians

Editor's note: This was a really fun assignment. I got to spend a few hours with the Fort Polk Special Reaction Team while they were conducting a joint-training with local law enforcement agencies. It is amazing the intensity level that there was for me either walking in behind them or waiting on the inside for them to make entry. I have to say "thank you" to each of the groups for their patience with me. Photography in the dark is not the best and the repeated flash pops blinded them a time or two, but they were accommodating.

-- Published in Fort Polk Guardian (June 30, 2006) --
By: MICHELLE LINDSEY, Guardian staff writer

As night falls, families throughout Fort Polk prepare for bed, but members of the Special Reaction Team, 91st Military Police Detachment, 519th Military Police Battalion, 1st Combat Support Brigade (ME), ready themselves for the unknown.
The military police desk has received a report that a female, wanted by the Houston Police Department, has been found in bldg 7209 on North Fort. It is verified that she is wanted for the murder of her 4-year-old son –– a murder committed to appease her boyfriend who did not want to be “saddled with a child.”
SRT members are advised the female is a drug user and prone to rapid mood swings. After receiving notification that the Leesville Police Department and Vernon Parish Sheriff’s Office are assisting, members of the three units gather their gear and set up a command post outside of bldg 7209. Team members don protective gear and enter the building. Moving as one, they slowly and methodically clear each room on the first floor. Then they move to the second floor where things change.
“We have two males and a female in two rooms at at the rear of the hallway,” one team member calls out, as the females began yelling at them to leave.
“Drop your weapon and get on the floor,” another team member shouts. One male complies and crawls on his belly towards the officers. He is checked for weapons, handcuffed and taken into custody as team members tries to talk the others into surrendering.
“Get out of my house. I don’t want you here,” a woman screams as team members advance down the hallway clearing each room. Once officers reach the room, the subjects are given a second chance to comply but choose to resist. After a brief struggle, both subjects are subdued and taken into custody.
Though the events that unfolded June 20 were a joint training exercise conducted by the three organizations, the scenarios they used were real with the exception of location and names.
“The Special Reaction Team is just that,” said 2nd Lt. Kenneth Murray, SRT officer in charge. “We respond to all special threats that may occur on Fort Polk.”
Those situations may include barricaded suspects, armed subjects and hostage situations, he said. “Situations that the typical road military police may not be equipped to handle.”
The SRT is called once all other measures of defusing the situation have failed, Murray said. “The MPs and Provost Marshal’s Office make every effort to calm the subject, but if they are unwilling to cooperate with the Provost Marshal’s Office or CID negotiators, then we are called.”
Murray said that they approach every situation hoping it will be resolved without incident, but are prepared for resistance.
“Our primary goal is to remove any hostages, the individual who caused the threat and team members without harm,” Murray said.
Training is an ongoing process for the SRT including Army and specialized training to deal with close quarter, hostile situations.
“Our marksmanship, for example, is at a higher level than what Soldiers take part in. Soldiers are required to qualify with their weapon once every six months. We qualify with our weapon systems every month,” Murray said. “We conduct advanced marksmanship training ranges where we set up scenarios and barricades. We have threat targets. There are life-sized photos of people with and without weapons.
We also have shoot no-shoot scenarios –– as team members come around a barricade there are multiple targets. Some will be friendly and others hostile. Team members must determine the threat using the see, evaluate, eliminate (SEE) method,” Murray said.
Team members are required to go through SRT phase one training at Fort Leonard Wood, Mo., where they learn techniques and tactics. Three Fort Polk SRT members have also completed phase two, the marksman observer course.
Most team members are also combat lifesavers or medics because once in the building, they must rely on each other even in the event of injury to hostage, threat subject or team member, said Murray.
“There is so much training involved,” he added. “You have to be able to plan for the event, which is important. However, sometimes there is little time to plan and the team has to gear up, respond and devise the plan enroute. They have to think on their feet and react at a moment’s notice,” Murray added.
“The SRT team trains to save lives,” said Staff Sgt. Herschel Green, SRT team leader and observer/controller for the training exercise. The background and prior acts of hostile subjects are used to identify potential problems, but the goal is to defuse the situation as peacefully as possible, without harm to anyone. Training with civilian agencies allows the chance to learn from each other.
“It gives us the benefit of their (VPSO and LPD) experience,” Murray said. “They are able to impart to us what has happened to them in real life events. Every situation is different based on how individuals react to the SRT being there.”
“Training with other agencies helps with the exchange of tactics, techniques and procedures,” Green added. “It is somewhat of a SWAT/SRT seminar.
“The ways a department moves, enters a building, prioritizes threat areas and eliminates hostile subjects are as numerous and unique as the teams involved. It is not a case of how one technique may be better than another but how applicable one tactic is in a given situation or floor plan.
“It allows combined learning from actual experience derived from real world operations. There is no better way to learn a lesson than actual field experience,” Green said. “A city's demographics and situations will differ from the parish. We as a combined law enforcement community are smarter and more proficient as a whole than we are individually.”
Team members agreed that continued training and help from outside agencies help them work as an efficient, cohesive unit.
“As a Soldier, especially a military police Soldier, SRT has taught me many training aspects and movement techniques on building clearing, hostage situations and barricade suspects,” said Pvt. Daniel Gotschall, SRT member.
“My tactics and confidence with weapons have significantly increased since I have been on the team. Twice a month I qualify with my M-9 and my M-4 as expert.
“I have been trained on weapons tactics, combatives, repelling, building clearing, health and welfare searches, occupancy control, moving techniques and hostage negotiation.
“I know a lot of new military skills and weapons tactics that have been moved down range to keep Soldiers alive, but there are (those of us on the homefront) who use them as well,” Gotchall continued.
He said that being a member of the team has increased his confidence and pushed him to a new level. “I now know what kind of stress I can be under and still complete the mission. It will push you to the limits emotionally, physically and mentally. It lets you really know where you stand as a Soldier,” he added.
“Remember why we are here,” said Green. “We are training to save lives.”